In the works...

I am working on putting some resource pages together for abused women and teens.  It will likely be national and international resources that can point people in the right direction more locally.  The world is just too big to list every resource on the local level and it seems my readers are from all over the world.  Awesome :)

Something I am thinking about is opening a section of my website that is members only specifically for single moms and abused women that has tutorials on virtual assisting and bookkeeping.  It would be free with an application.  I need to think about it more.  Money is important to me now, but while I'm waiting for things to get moving it might be something useful to do with my time.  Thoughts and opinions are welcome.

Moving Up

Over the weekend I purchased the domain for my business and 3 months of hosting.  It's not much, but it IS a start.

The thing that's going to give me the most trouble is using Joomla.  There are a lot of great HTML templates out there but Joomla doesn't use HTML templates.  The Joomla templates are all junky and have a thousand menus. My site is a simple service site and I won't use that many menus.  EVER.  So this will be a challenge.  I may see about converting a regular HTML template to PHP and see if Joomla will take it.

I also spent some time looking at used cars on Craigslist over the weekend just to see what was out there for under $3000.  I'm feeling more and more ok about purchasing a vehicle when the time comes, especially knowing that I will have a support system in place where I plan on moving to.

But the point is, I have done something to make myself more independent from my abusers.  The threats of kicking me out of the house or taking my car keys if I don't do exactly what they want or give them all my money matters less and less.  Fact is, I might even be ok to move now, but I don't want to stress my son out more by making him change schools again in the middle of the year.

Looking Forward To...

I'm making a list of all the things I look forward to when I move out of the abusers house.  But the thing that strikes me as the most important is normal relationships with people.

My abusers don't have friends.  They've alienated most of their families except the ones they can bully around.

I am looking forward to nurturing the friendships and relationships I already have and developing new and healthy relationships of all sorts with a variety of people.  It will be so nice to have friends without being accused of being irresponsible or being a lesbian (which there is nothing wrong with that, unless the accusation points it in that direction).

Freedom is on the horizon...

You know you're abused when...

Since I grew up in Hicksville, listening to Jeff Foxworthy, I thought I'd list some of my symptoms of abuse Jeff Foxworthy style.  Not that abuse is funny, but whatever gets me through the day.

I know I'm an abuse victim when:

• I dread going home and knowing other people will be there.
• I panic anytime something happens to my car that I might get blamed for (and not be able to get to work).
• I would rather be at work than at home.
• I find excuses not to be home with my abusers.
• When my abusers are gone, my stomach is in knots in anticipation about when they will come home.
• I have no mailbox key but I'm anxious about when the mail comes because I don't want to be questioned about my mail.
• I carry around every important document I might ever need in case I have to make an escape.
• I have a small bag of gold jewelry to sell should I need money no one knows about.
• I share stories with my best friend, who was abused by her boyfriend, and the stories are all too similar.
• I am scared to leave and make my own choices under threats.

Different Kind of Abuse

There are definitions of psychological and emotional abuse.  And they are good definitions.  In order for me to understand, and help my son better understand, I have come up with my own definition.  It is behavior designed to cause emotional or psychological stress.  It can also come in the form of neglect where the abuser does not care how their behavior affects others.

The situations that could be included are too many to start using examples.  This is the type of abuse I deal with daily, and am working my best at shielding my son from.  Counting down the days...

What my abuser thinks...

I am a master at rationalizing.  I can rationalize any behavior from any person.  This doesn't mean I put the blame on myself, I just make excuses for why everyone does the crappy stuff they do.  In many ways, I have felt pity to those who have abused me.  They constantly focus on the bad things and complain constantly.  Then I stopped.

1. It does not matter if this person is having a bad day.  They do not have the right to take out their issues on me.
2. I am not responsible for the way other people feel.  Their bad mood is not my fault.
3. Only I am responsible for the way I feel.

The good thing about having lived away from my abuser is I have had several years of a normal life.  During that time, I healed from a lot of childhood abuse.  I was able to build my self esteem and establish personal boundaries.  Although those things are constantly violated, my spirit isn't broken.  Breaking me down is what my abusers want.  I can put on a fantastic show, but my spirit is and will always be perfectly intact.

Sign of Abuse

A sign of abuse I have noticed in myself lately is that I'm incredibly relaxed when I am at home with just my son. When my abusers come home, I immediately tense up and pray that I have remembered to do everything I'm supposed to do.  Because something simple like leaving the car unlocked or not doing dishes is enough reason to get kicked out of the house.  That's ridiculous.  I am an adult and should not be this frightened of silly things.  Counting down the days until my departure...

The Escape Plan

Every person in an abusive situation needs an escape plan.  I ran a search for domestic abuse escape plans and I found many lacking.  Perhaps this is going under the assumption that the abuse is physical and life threatening, or that the victim is being held under such tight control that opportunities to escape are few and far between.  I am planning, and recommending, that if you are in a situation similar to mine you have an emergency plan and a long term escape plan.

So, what to pack?  This is what I keep in my purse:

• Driver's License
• Debit card
• Cash
• Social Security cards for myself and my son
• Birth certificates for myself and my son
• Insurance cards
• Public assistance card
• An extra key to the car
• Index card with medications and dosages listed.
• Small bag of jewelry to sell.

That is in case I am in such immediate danger, or I get kicked out of the house so suddenly that I don't have time to pack anything.  

My long term plan... This is something that I struggle with daily.  My goal is to be able to disappear one day when no one is home.  This is going to be incredibly hard to accomplish, but if I can pull it off it will be one of less conflict.  I would rather leave furniture behind because it's easily replaceable IF I have to leave stuff.  The priority is getting our clothing, sentimental items, children's things, and household items.  So here is my plan step by step.

1. Get a PO Box to keep the abusers from going through my mail.  Small amounts of privacy make me feel better.
2. Rent a storage unit near work so I can stash things that won't fit in my purse in case of an emergency.  Divorce and custody paperwork, clothing that is more than what we are wearing, sentimental things I would be upset if I never saw again, my old artwork, etc.  This would be significantly less expensive for someone else if they had a friend or family member with some storage space.  I don't know anyone here well enough to ask as I was just relocated.
3. Use services like Freelancer.com, oDesk.com, and Elancer.com to find online work that no one knows about and will allow me to save money.  List my website and services on Craigslist.  Work on CafePress store as well.  There is a lot of online money to be made, I just need to grab a piece of that pie and keep it well hidden.
4. Hide the money in a secret account.  I'm afraid of just stashing cash because my living spaces get snooped regularly.  I don't care if it's a secret bank account or a loadable debit card or PayPal as long as no one knows about it.
5. Procure a vehicle secretly.  It doesn't have to be anything expensive or great.  I'm ok with a beater car for a short time.  This is possibly more difficult than leaving the house in one day, what with registration and insurance.  The boyfriend might be able and willing to help with this process, physically if not financially.  This will be essential to my escape as the vehicle I'm driving belongs to the abusers.  The vehicle will have to be stored, so there is a cost but it is crucial.

Any progress towards the long term goal is still progress.  Having $500 saved is still $500 saved even if it's not my goal of $5000.  Any of my things stashed in storage is still something I don't have to worry about getting out later.  It's all a step in the right direction towards freedom.  

Bad Weekend

The bad thing about economic abuse is any screw up threatens whether or not me and my son have a place to sleep tonight.  Things that are not ordinarily a big deal turn in to stressful situations.

Yesterday I went to one of those automated carwashes, the kind where you put the car in neutral and it drives the car through.  There was a malfunction and the car behind me bumped repeatedly.  There was no damage so it wasn't a big deal.  Then while shampooing the upholestry I put my son in the driver's seat so I could wash the back seat.  He broke the sun visor.  It's also not a big deal, the replacement costs $45.  But when I'm dealing with a mentally unstable, controlling, and abusive set of individuals, I never know what to expect.

I called my boyfriend freaking out about the whole situation and he seemed annoyed I was so concerned about things that are not life and death situations.  But they practically are for me.  It goes to show how bad psychological abuse really is, even as an adult.  I was behaving as if someone were going to beat the life out of me for a broken sun visor.

Walking away from this life in a few months will be one of the hardest things I'll ever do.  I can't have contact with my family anymore.  But it's necessary.  I can't live a normal life and be normal with abusive people having any influence.

Getting out...

After the psychotic episode last night, I realized that the situation is really worse than I'd thought.  The abusive parental units don't want me and my son in the house, yet want to take all of the money I make.  They are going to use the fact that my car is in their name to control me.  "If you don't do this, you can't use the car for work."  That's even ridiculous logic b/c they want my money which I can't earn if I'm not at work.  My boyfriend is trying to secure a super cheap second vehicle in case I need one, which I most likely will in the near future.  It's amazing that he is willing to do this.  I'm very afraid of having to make an emergency escape and not having a vehicle to do so.

Because I know there are a lot of other women in abusive situations, I will be posting my plan later tonight on how to escape to hopefully help start some ideas in the minds of others who are trying to make their escape plan as well.  I am fortunate that I have more freedom than others and have ways to hide things and money.  But considering the stability of my situation I need a plan just in case.

Another one..

Just dealt with another psychotic episode from my mother.  She came in my room, without knocking, and started screaming at me to take out the garbage or I wouldn't have a car to take to work tomorrow.

Why Blog This?

Have you ever had something happen that just shakes you awake?  That's what this last few weeks has been like for me.

In 2009 I moved my child and myself in with my parents.  I am 30 years old.  And I'm being psychologically and financially abused by my parents.  Fortunately, it is mostly me and not my son.  I didn't even realize what the situation had turned in to until last weekend when it became so unstable I realized that I have to get out ASAP.

I am not the only adult living with my parents - I personally know several others.  I  know several others in similar abusive situations.  Everyone thinks of domestic abuse as women getting hit by boyfriends or husbands, or minor children being abused by parents.  But the thing about psychological abuse by a parent is you grow up thinking this behavior is normal and continue to allow it as an adult because you don't know better.

The idea of going to DCF with this problem is scary.  I don't want to lose my child but I want this abuse documented.  It started when I was a child and continues today.  The cycle is ending here with me.  I will not abuse my child and I will not allow him to be abused by someone else.

For now, I must document this as best I can.  The thing about a paper journal is it can be found, and Internet journal, no matter how public it is.  The likelihood of them finding this blog is much more slim than finding a paper journal.  So here is my story.  Hopefully I can use this to help someone else, and maybe make a little money in the process.