The Escape Plan

Every person in an abusive situation needs an escape plan.  I ran a search for domestic abuse escape plans and I found many lacking.  Perhaps this is going under the assumption that the abuse is physical and life threatening, or that the victim is being held under such tight control that opportunities to escape are few and far between.  I am planning, and recommending, that if you are in a situation similar to mine you have an emergency plan and a long term escape plan.

So, what to pack?  This is what I keep in my purse:

• Driver's License
• Debit card
• Cash
• Social Security cards for myself and my son
• Birth certificates for myself and my son
• Insurance cards
• Public assistance card
• An extra key to the car
• Index card with medications and dosages listed.
• Small bag of jewelry to sell.

That is in case I am in such immediate danger, or I get kicked out of the house so suddenly that I don't have time to pack anything.  

My long term plan... This is something that I struggle with daily.  My goal is to be able to disappear one day when no one is home.  This is going to be incredibly hard to accomplish, but if I can pull it off it will be one of less conflict.  I would rather leave furniture behind because it's easily replaceable IF I have to leave stuff.  The priority is getting our clothing, sentimental items, children's things, and household items.  So here is my plan step by step.

1. Get a PO Box to keep the abusers from going through my mail.  Small amounts of privacy make me feel better.
2. Rent a storage unit near work so I can stash things that won't fit in my purse in case of an emergency.  Divorce and custody paperwork, clothing that is more than what we are wearing, sentimental things I would be upset if I never saw again, my old artwork, etc.  This would be significantly less expensive for someone else if they had a friend or family member with some storage space.  I don't know anyone here well enough to ask as I was just relocated.
3. Use services like Freelancer.com, oDesk.com, and Elancer.com to find online work that no one knows about and will allow me to save money.  List my website and services on Craigslist.  Work on CafePress store as well.  There is a lot of online money to be made, I just need to grab a piece of that pie and keep it well hidden.
4. Hide the money in a secret account.  I'm afraid of just stashing cash because my living spaces get snooped regularly.  I don't care if it's a secret bank account or a loadable debit card or PayPal as long as no one knows about it.
5. Procure a vehicle secretly.  It doesn't have to be anything expensive or great.  I'm ok with a beater car for a short time.  This is possibly more difficult than leaving the house in one day, what with registration and insurance.  The boyfriend might be able and willing to help with this process, physically if not financially.  This will be essential to my escape as the vehicle I'm driving belongs to the abusers.  The vehicle will have to be stored, so there is a cost but it is crucial.

Any progress towards the long term goal is still progress.  Having $500 saved is still $500 saved even if it's not my goal of $5000.  Any of my things stashed in storage is still something I don't have to worry about getting out later.  It's all a step in the right direction towards freedom.  

Bad Weekend

The bad thing about economic abuse is any screw up threatens whether or not me and my son have a place to sleep tonight.  Things that are not ordinarily a big deal turn in to stressful situations.

Yesterday I went to one of those automated carwashes, the kind where you put the car in neutral and it drives the car through.  There was a malfunction and the car behind me bumped repeatedly.  There was no damage so it wasn't a big deal.  Then while shampooing the upholestry I put my son in the driver's seat so I could wash the back seat.  He broke the sun visor.  It's also not a big deal, the replacement costs $45.  But when I'm dealing with a mentally unstable, controlling, and abusive set of individuals, I never know what to expect.

I called my boyfriend freaking out about the whole situation and he seemed annoyed I was so concerned about things that are not life and death situations.  But they practically are for me.  It goes to show how bad psychological abuse really is, even as an adult.  I was behaving as if someone were going to beat the life out of me for a broken sun visor.

Walking away from this life in a few months will be one of the hardest things I'll ever do.  I can't have contact with my family anymore.  But it's necessary.  I can't live a normal life and be normal with abusive people having any influence.

Getting out...

After the psychotic episode last night, I realized that the situation is really worse than I'd thought.  The abusive parental units don't want me and my son in the house, yet want to take all of the money I make.  They are going to use the fact that my car is in their name to control me.  "If you don't do this, you can't use the car for work."  That's even ridiculous logic b/c they want my money which I can't earn if I'm not at work.  My boyfriend is trying to secure a super cheap second vehicle in case I need one, which I most likely will in the near future.  It's amazing that he is willing to do this.  I'm very afraid of having to make an emergency escape and not having a vehicle to do so.

Because I know there are a lot of other women in abusive situations, I will be posting my plan later tonight on how to escape to hopefully help start some ideas in the minds of others who are trying to make their escape plan as well.  I am fortunate that I have more freedom than others and have ways to hide things and money.  But considering the stability of my situation I need a plan just in case.

Another one..

Just dealt with another psychotic episode from my mother.  She came in my room, without knocking, and started screaming at me to take out the garbage or I wouldn't have a car to take to work tomorrow.

Why Blog This?

Have you ever had something happen that just shakes you awake?  That's what this last few weeks has been like for me.

In 2009 I moved my child and myself in with my parents.  I am 30 years old.  And I'm being psychologically and financially abused by my parents.  Fortunately, it is mostly me and not my son.  I didn't even realize what the situation had turned in to until last weekend when it became so unstable I realized that I have to get out ASAP.

I am not the only adult living with my parents - I personally know several others.  I  know several others in similar abusive situations.  Everyone thinks of domestic abuse as women getting hit by boyfriends or husbands, or minor children being abused by parents.  But the thing about psychological abuse by a parent is you grow up thinking this behavior is normal and continue to allow it as an adult because you don't know better.

The idea of going to DCF with this problem is scary.  I don't want to lose my child but I want this abuse documented.  It started when I was a child and continues today.  The cycle is ending here with me.  I will not abuse my child and I will not allow him to be abused by someone else.

For now, I must document this as best I can.  The thing about a paper journal is it can be found, and Internet journal, no matter how public it is.  The likelihood of them finding this blog is much more slim than finding a paper journal.  So here is my story.  Hopefully I can use this to help someone else, and maybe make a little money in the process.